Introduction
Hewwo frens! It is me!!! Sawa!!! I am here with the long awaited and constantly begged for first issue of my Saturday Morning Review! I’ve spent so much time this week considering just what I wanted to cover for this first installment. I’ve been doing endless mental labor considering the format for this important task I have entrusted to my self for the foreseeable future. I am doing this all for you and I really want it to be something special for both of us. Just me and you, the one reading this. You mean so much to me so I have to make sure you’ll enjoy this. I’m certain my enlightening understanding of the various topics covered this week will have something everyone can enjoy. Now I believe it’s time to get started. Everyone is here for my takes because they are so god damn good. EVERYTHING I SAY IS SO FUCKING SMART AND CORRECT AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHY YOU ARE HERE. We both know this already (of course) but I felt it had to be said.
This is going to divided up into sections that are subject to change. Not every section will have something every week. Some topics will have more than others. Some topics will be made randomly because I can do whatever I want! Wow! Now, on to the first section. I promise nothing here is an ad!!! I am not taking any money from any of these things!!! There is no benefit to me writing any of this! I am purely wasting time in one of the stupidest ways I can even come up with and yet you will still enjoy every second of it! Good for you! You fucking stupid idiot! You are so dumb, you are going to read all of this and tell me you enjoyed it and yet none of us will gain anything! It’s a lose/lose situation but I’m the one wasting more time! You fucking pieces of shit making me write this!! You did this!! You fucking bastards!! Good thing I love you dear reader or I truly would not forgive you for the pain in my fucking wrists from typing this much! You asked for this! You want to cause me pain! Still I will keep writing! I just love you that much! Even though you hurt me! Do you realize you are hurting me?? Well that’s fine, I will make you gain something whether you want to or not.
Beverages
UPTIME Mango Pineapple Zero Sugar Premium Energy Drink
This is the best energy drink in the world. Hands down nothing better. Every sip I have of this brilliant energy soda is like I’m in a fantasy world drinking something that could only exist with the power of magic and miracles! I love it so much! I drink it all the time! I really can not get enough of the tropical flavor! They don’t just call this premium for no good reason, it is really worth that title! I really can’t get enough of the stuff, and it’s only 5 Calories! Probably every post you have read so far from me on this funny website has been fueled by one of these! It’s better than adderall! 10/10
Monster Energy Reserve Watermelon
Now this one, folks, really not so good. I mean it costs more, it’s more calories, it is way too sweet. I don’t know why I decided to get this! I was feeling a change for once and that feeling truly led me astray. It’s gross folks! Tastes like candy! Not even good watermelon candy! The bad kind! Every sip made me wish I was drinking a delicious, low calorie, zero sugar, UPTIME MANGO PINEAPPLE. Turns out “premium” is better than “reserve”! Who would have known? I love branding. I love brands and I love drinks and I love poison in the energy drink variety. Not this one though. 6/10
Water
I know what you are thinking dear reader, you want me to review cum. I know that is on your mind. You are filthy, a pitiful and filthy being, and you should really work on yourself (when you’re done reading this). I’m disappointed in you for thinking that I would write such a review so early. Expect that review in Edition 69 (very funny). Now back to the topic! This is a broad one yes but this is the kind of ground breaking reviews we need on this kind of publication! Water comes in many forms and packages and brands and avenues. You can drink from your hose, you can drink from a well, you can drink from the tub, you can drink from the sink, you can drink from your favorite overpriced bottled water from some place you will never go in your life! I think the beauty of water comes from its variety. There’s some real fucking freaks out there that will say “Oh no Sara, I really don’t want to drink water! I can not stand the taste and I would much rather drink soda”. You are a freak. You are a disgusting broke freak and you will suffer because of it. Listen to Pomu you little shit. Drink your water or I will make you. I will grab your disgusting little freak neck and pour the life giving fluid down your disgusting throat until you near choke on the flavorless miracle juice. Water is great, love the stuff. 10/10
Food
Spicy Potato Soft Taco from Taco Bell
This is the best fast food item. There is nothing else worth ordering at a fast food place. It is a dollar and it tastes like… spicy potatoes… in a taco… I want one so bad they make my mouth water! I usually just get two! It’s a meal for like $2!! So cheap and so yummy wow! 9/10
Birthday Cake Protein Bars (Low Sugar)
These are my favorite. I eat them all the time and the brand doesn’t matter, I just fucking blast through them things. It’s so yummy!!! It’s like a desert, but nutritious!! Isn’t that fucking crazy? I wish I had one right! 10/10
Literally any kind of Doritos
Okay I know what some of you are going to say. As a D.Va one trick that sits in her D.Va chair and wears her D.Va hoodie and games out of her fucking mind, there are two things I should like. Mountain Dew, and Doritos. I’m in different about the first one, I don’t drink much soda other than UPTIME Manga Pineapple, so it will not be reviewed. Doritos are disgusting. I don’t know how people eat that filth. Have you considered eating anything else? They make your hands so gross, they taste like pure msg, and they are awful for you! I hate them! You can not make me eat them I wont! Thinking about it makes me sick! They are gross! 3/10
Games
OVERWATCH 2 BAYBEE
This game is so fun. It’s like I’m back in 2016 again! I’m having so much fun! I’m probably the best D.Va one trick in all of North America right now. I’m so talented with everything I do. I just wish my fucking healers would press their healing buttons on me more! Switching will never help I can promise you, I just need a mercy to pocket me because I do so much damage and get so many kills! If only my healers went mercy instead! Damage boost me you bitch! Check the scoreboard!! Check the historicals!! I’m so fucking good at the game! 10/10 Nothing wrong with it.
Other?
Reading
I love reading so much! It really is one of my favorite things in the world. Reading is probably my favorite past time! I love to read books, I love to read visual novels, I love to read substacks, I love to read discord, I love to read twitter, I love to read poems, I love to read epics, I love to read so many things! Honestly I’m not sure anyone loves reading more than me! I’ll be honest with you reader… I made this blog to teach you how to read. I know, you thought I made it to entertain you and let us spend some special time together, and that is still the main reason my dear reader! But I also thought your tiny brain could use some help. I know you struggle to read basic sentences as you scroll through discord all day. I know your brain isn’t as good as it once was reader, but that is why I want to help you. I’m here to help you. I love you so much and I just want to help you. I would do anything for you, even cause pain to my wrists from so much typing, even laboring away at my keyboard for nothing in return. I do this so you can maybe share my one true love. Reading. You too can enjoy all these things you thought you could no longer! Wow isn’t that kind of me to work so hard to teach you such a basic skill? I give reading a 10/10
In Closing
You
There’s one last thing I want to review. For this one we have much to talk about. You know we’ve been through a lot together already. Over these past few days I have been thinking so much about you. You are always on my mind. I can not stop thinking about you dear reader. That’s just how much you mean to me. I want to show you all of these words and thoughts that I have. I want you to enjoy my thoughts. I need you to enjoy my thoughts. I need you to enjoy what I have to give you. You must enjoy what I am going to give you. I am going to give you something you will enjoy. I am going to push my self, I am pushing my self to CREATE for YOU. You understand this right? Are you grateful? Are you fucking grateful? I do not think you are grateful enough. If you were more grateful you would do more for me wouldn’t you? If you have anywhere close to as much thankfulness for my work as I have love you then you would have shared this more wouldn’t you? I think you are a failure dear reader but I will still forgive you. Every time you fail I will forgive you. You are going to fail again and I am going to forgive you. No matter what I will still love you dear reader. As much as a fuck up as you are, I still love you so much! Lucky you! Show me how grateful you are. You need to show me how grateful you are. You must show me how much you care. I am doing all this for you. I am feeling pain in my arm from typing this for you. I am in physical pain making a gift purely born from my love for you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me dear reader? You will love me. You will love me. YOU will Love Me. You will? Love me. Are you still here? Are you still here? I haven’t given you a rating yet. I love you. Are you still here? Don’t you want to know your rating? Do you not want to know how I feel about you? Leave your guess in the comments below and I will tell you next time! Look forward to next Saturday, when your official rating comes in. I hope you are looking forward to it. I don’t want to be tested. Please do not test me. Please look forward to it. Please remember how I feel about you and look forward to it. Please remember that despite all your shortcomings which are so numerous, and all your failures that you have shown me so far, I will always forgive you. I will always forgive you. I will always forgive you. I will.
Look forward to next time I guess. Maybe I’ll post during the week. I don’t know. Do not miss it or I will not forgive you.
it took me Two Whole Days to read you rpost so thats like 2 point deduction BUT it also took me a year to find the post at all since u did not post a link and i do not check my email so i Deserve, nay, DEMAND those 2 points previously deducted to be re-added to my overall score.
i rate myself 5 out of an indeterminate number it rly depends on the day bc im just a fella
my rating is 2 mark ruffalos